Well, here I am facing the beginning of 2009 heavier than I was at the beginning of 2008. I am very determined this time to get my life and weight in control.
Some may ask what brought me to this realization at this time in my life. Well, besides just being so tired of being overweight, I had a traumatic experience (at least for me) this November when my daughter decided to get married in Las Vegas. I was so happy for her and excited to go to her wedding. I happily called the travel agent and booked our trip.
Next, I needed something to wear to a wedding (I don't ever dress up). When I went shopping, surprise, I couldn't find a thing to wear that looked even halfway decent. All these beautiful dresses and I couldn't fit into any of them. There wasn't time to order them online from a "specialty" store, so I had to settle for something I already had. I was so upset, I cried all the way home. My husband, bless him, couldn't understand why I was so upset. He's never had a problem with my weight. I don't know how I was so lucky to find a guy like him.
Then came the flight. I'm a happy land dweller, but I was going to have to fly. I didn't think much about it when I called the travel agent and made the reservations, but then I remembered hearing about airlines causing "customers of size" to purchase a second ticket. They would tell people right there at the counter that they were too big and had to purchase a second ticket. I called the airlines and spoke with them about what they classified as a "customer of size." She told me the determining factor is whether or not I could put the arm rails all the way down. Well, you have to understand, I have flown twice in my entire life. I didn't know whether or not the arm rails would go down or not and was scared to death I would get to the airport and told, you're too fat, you need to buy an extra ticket. In fact, I was mortified about the whole idea. The more I thought about it, the more fearful I became. So, my wonderful husband said just call the airline and go ahead and buy the extra seat and then we wouldn't have to worry about it. Well, I did and I still cried and was very depressed.
Then came time to leave. We got our tickets and boarding passes. The airlines issued extra documents for me, one preboard document and a "seat reserved" document. One good thing, I got to preboard so had a choice of seats. :-D I got on, got the seat belt extender, found my seat (my youngest daughter was with me), put the "reserved" document in the seat next to me and, lo and behold, I was able to lower the arm rests, barely. I felt better, but still very nervous. Then the flight attendant got on the PA talking about how the flight was going to be full, etc. I saw a man signal her, point at the empty seat next to me, and her whisper something to him. They weren't ugly or anything, but it singled me out and I was embarrassed. When we landed I was so relieved.
Then there we were in Las Vegas. Although, we rented a car, traffic was horrid so we walked a lot of places. Being my size, needless to say, I am completely and totally out of shape! I was exhausted and couldn't keep up with my kids or husband. I felt like I was holding them back from doing the things they wanted to do because they had to wait for mom. Shelby, my youngest, wanted so much to ride the rides on the Stratosphere, but her dad doesn't do well on rollercoasters and I couldn't ride them with her because I wouldn't fit in the seats. We encouraged her to ride them by herself, but she said that just wasn't any fun. I felt very guilty about not being able to ride with her, especially since I love rollercoasters.
I have to say, though, the wedding was beautiful. Melissa was an absolute beautiful bride and Justin was very handsome. Then we were on our way home. I vowed I would never fly again until I can just get on the plane and not have to worry about whether I was going to be able to fit in the seats.
I know there are a lot of people out there that are ugly and just say things like, well, you did it to yourself because you're lazy, eat too much, and various other things; so why are you whining? I know I've let myself get this way. Most "normal-sized" people just don't understand how hard it is to lose weight. I'm not one to lay it off totally on genetics, but I had a stepsister I grew up with who could eat anything in any amounts and never gain an ounce. I could smell food and gain weight. I have two sons who are basically the same way, one who eats lots of junk and never gains an ounce and the other who looks at food and seems to gain weight. So, there is something to the "genetic" angle. I'm not saying it made me overweight because I made me overweight, I'm just saying that it just doesn't help when you try to lose weight. Please don't jump on me about this being my fault, I already know and that definitely doesn't help. I am more determined than ever to get this weight off of me. It's killing me physically (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Type II diabetes) and emotionally. Although I've always been overweight, I used to be much more self-assured and confident than I am now. I want that back!!
So, here I go. I will be starting Weight Watchers on Saturday. I know their program works because it has helped me in the past. I need to work on being an emotional eater (I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, depressed, whatever). I need to always remember that "if hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the answer." I'm going to try to blog every day in hopes that if I put my feelings here, then I won't be tempted to go grab something to eat. I also hope to chart my progress here and put down my goals, etc.
If you've read this to this point, thank you! I can use all the encouragement I can get. This is not a "pity party," it's me just trying to deal with my feelings in a much more constructive way than stuffing a donut in my mouth!